Don't Ponder Others

       Practicing this slogan is hardest at family gatherings. So and so said such and such, do you think they really meant that or something else? So and so said blah, do you think they are really like that or am I overreacting? Cousin so and so believes this or that religiously and politically, do you think they’re judging us?
       The slogan is simply stated: Don’t ponder others. Does that mean I get to "analyze" others? Does others include family members and their spouses? What if I’m trying to understand them so I can help them once I figure them out? Or to protect myself from being hurt or offended by them?
       Not pondering others points directly to our addicting habits and tendencies of finding faults in others. When we are insecure about ourselves, we look for faults in the people around us to bring ourselves up by putting them down. If the other person exhibits positive traits that make us feel insecure, we begin scrutinizing his or her words and lifestyle to bring them down. If we are feeling insecure about ourselves in one area of life, we may muse about the faults of a person in another area of life, comparing ourselves to the scabs and faults we find in them until we feel better. We are okay, or better, because just look at so and so.
       Pondering others is also an entertaining escape from boredom. What is juicier to occupy the mind for hours at a time than dissecting the emotional and personal lives of others? We love escalating conflict, especially in private. We get the rush of escalation without even engaging in actual conflict...all the high without the risk!
       Pondering others also reveals our attitudes about ourselves and others. Can I reduce the thoughts and feelings and history behind someone’s words and actions to a simple explanatory sentence? Can I compact them into a story? Am I relating openly to the person or defining them by the story I have written as I pondered them? Are the lives and struggles of others merely there to be pondered for my entertainment, distraction or ego-bolstering? Am I so far up here that I can look down there and "get" so and so? Would I react harshly or feel offended to know that so and so was pondering the negative or vulnerable things about me?
       Following the slogan "Don’t ponder others" turns the spotlight of attention in the proper direction, into the self. Instead of avoiding our own faults or soothing our insecurities by seeking out and chewing on the faults and weaknesses in others, we turn and look at ourselves.
       When we look into ourselves, it is not to beat ourselves up or wallow in self pity. We look at ourselves with compassion. We lean into our deepest insecurities and resentments and weaknesses with a clear and unbiased eye. We can appreciate our strengths and let them go, just as we can press into our rawest wounds and let them go. We can forgive ourselves and let go. By turning the attention around, we develop a deep fascination with our own inner workings rather than indulging fantasies and speculations about the unseen and unknowable workings of others.
       Can we help others without pondering them? Of course. As we build understanding and compassion for our own selves, we can share that compassion with others.  But we do not have to ponder others in order to see suffering and respond compassionately, mainly because we have already done the work of attention and contemplation within ourselves and connected to their pain through our own. When we see suffering in others, we see it compassionately and let it go instead of dwelling on it for our own enhancement or entertainment.